Her sleep had been fragmented by terrible scenarios in which she endured the more terrifying
and intimate ordeals. Her body was ravaged and abused repeatedly and she was
unable to stop the faceless men who forced themselves upon her. In one shocking
nightmare she’d enjoyed his brutal attentions and had woken up soaking with cold sweat as he slit her throat with an
unseen knife. She’d cried for what seemed like hours after each disgusting
torment of mind, body and soul. Finally she forced herself to get out of bed,
sleep offered no respite from the horrors lurking inside of her head. So she
resolved to go for a walk and besides she needed to use the bathroom. She had
to be sure, had to be.
Inside the pink and white tiled bathroom, the Doctor opened the shiny box of the home pregnancy
kit. It showed a happy, grinning woman on the front cover. She wondered how many women were grinning like that when they took a test and how many were fearful of
the worst as they endured this feminine ritual. Even though she knew it wasn’t
possible for her to be pregnancy she still took it. Aiming was a lot harder these
last couple of bodies, sitting down had so much more going for it but this was like trying to thread the eye of a needle with
both eyes closed. Finally the plastic rod caught the stream and she made herself
wait the requisite minutes. She sat back down on the loo to finish off while
the seconds passed by like flies struggling in amber. Then she wiped, pulled
her undies up to her hips, then her trousers followed and then she flushed. She
picked up the stick, still negative. She threw it in the bin along with the packet
and washed her hands. She knew what the results were already, why couldn’t
she bring herself to believe them? Even if he had pushed his way inside of her,
they’d forced her to endure the upsetting experience of a full abortion.
Yin heard the toilet flushing again. The Doctor
wasn’t known for her regular trips to the bathroom, in fact she’d told him that she only needed to go once every
other day or so, claiming her bladder was bigger on the inside than the outside. He
just assumed that she was trying to give an air of feminine mystique, but it was true, that first day he’d drunk less
coffee than she had and he’d been bursting an hour later. Still she was
part alien, part of this weird oppressive society she hated to talk about.
The Doctor paced down the corridor back to her room.
Why hadn’t he made more of an effort to talk to her? She wondered
why he was keeping his distance. Was he repulsed by her? Didn’t he love her anymore? Was it the stigma? She’d tried talking to a counsellor about it but all she’d done was made
her feel really bad about herself. In the end she just wanted Yin to hold her
in his arms. Such a simple thing, tiny, so easy to do. Why wasn’t he here now, arms outstretched for her to run in to?
She turned around and walked back along the corridor.
All he wanted to do was let her deal with this, be there for her when she needed him and give
her room when she needed to be on her own. Things were not working out. She spent hours on her own, she hardly spoke to him and when she did it was all about
him, who he was and his past. Never once about herself. He thought for such a good talker she was really bad at talking about her own life, her own past.
The Doctor opened the cardboard box and took out the new pregnancy test kit. She willed herself to force out more, a few drops and a quick squirt and it was just enough for the test
to use. Then she repeated the ritual for getting dressed. She hated herself for doing this but she really, really had to be sure this time. It was still negative. She flushed, binned and cleaned before
leaving the loo. This time Yin was waiting for her.
“We’ve landed.” He said simply.
“Will you come with me?”
“You don’t need to do this.” Yin
said calmly. “You just need to try a different counsellor. Ok the first one was a real bitch, ignore her. I love you
and I’m worried about you.”
“Please come with me.” The Doctor
“Of course, but this really isn’t necessary.
You’re just going through a rough time. You just need time and space
to deal with it.”
“Oh is that all I need?” The Doctor
snapped. “Well as you’re the expert then there’s really no
need for me to be here then.” She stormed back into her bedroom, slamming
the door afterwards.
Hours later and Yin was going for a jog along the corridors of the ship. He went through the big room with the metal eye, through the swimming pool area, through an art gallery
and down into a large brick room, before going through a huge long metal room with a real Saturn 5 rocket in it, then through
a large garden area with wandering hedges that he called Cyril and Mandy and finally he ended his run back outside his room.
The Doctor held the pregnancy kit in her hands. Tears
rolled down her cheeks. She started to tremble as she opened the packet. She stifled a series of sobs as she made herself go.
She’d had a dozen cups of coffee and a whole litre of water, plenty of ammunition so to speak. She sat for ages afterwards, trousers still around her ankles, unable to watch the little window and see
that the second blue stripe had failed to appear. Then she pulled up her knickers
from around her knees back to where they belonged, then her trousers followed too shortly afterwards. She didn’t even bother to look at the result before she binned it.
She already knew the answer before she took the test. Why couldn’t
she stop from punishing herself like this? Why couldn’t she move on instead
of obsessing like this? It wasn’t as if she’d even been raped. He’d been killed before he could violate her body. The almost was like a huge siren in her head telling her that there were things she couldn’t stop. The almost was a monster inside of her head, punishing her over and over again. The almost was worse than the real thing now that it had burrowed deep inside her
mind. The counsellor didn’t understand, didn’t care. She said she’d been lucky and shouldn’t give it another thought. Well she’d had plenty of other thoughts since then. The
tiny fraction of seconds built up to whole seconds which built up to minutes which built up to hours which built up to days. It was all she could think about, all that filled her sleep with terrible nightmares
filled with all the monsters of her past doing terrible, terrible things to her helpless and prone body. Lucky? She’d been given a life sentence of horrors only
the mind of a Time Lady could comprehend.
Yin stepped out of the shower; he picked up his favourite towel straight out of the hamper
and started to use it to dry himself off with. He felt so good after his run. Tired obviously but good and that shower had been the enough to really relax him,
make him feel even better. He rubbed the dead skin cells off of his arms and
legs and waist. Then he tied the towel around his waist, then pulled on the ‘HIS’
bathrobe. ‘HERS’ was still lying on its peg, unused. He looked at it for a second before moving to the door. She
was standing outside.
“About time.” She snarled and barged
“Hey.” Yin called out as he fell
against the far wall. “I bruise easily.”
“What do you care?” The Doctor screamed. “You hate me, don’t you?”
“Admit it!” The Doctor yelled. “You hate me because I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. I’m weak and deserved everything I got.”
“I love you.” Yin tried tact.
“You only love yourself.” The Doctor
tried to slam the door but he stopped her. Something inside of her caused her
The guard undid his trousers and forced himself upon
The Doctor screamed and shouted and yelled and tried
to get free but she couldn’t. She could feel him, touching her, she felt
sickened and disgusted and unable to save herself.
The guards watching just laughed and said that they
The Doctor screamed, letting out a primal burst of fear, hate and anger. Raw emotion bursting out of her like a tidal wave. She felt
her legs start to buckle.
Yin caught the Doctor before she fell. “I
don’t hate you at all. I could never hate you. I love you; you just need time alone to heal.”
“No.” The Doctor muttered and threw
her arms around Yin. “I you to be here for me, to hold me in your arms
while I deal with this. With you protecting me I know it’s safe to let
my defences down because I know you’ll keep me from harm.”
Yin kissed the Doctor’s forehead. “I
will always love you.”
The next morning the Doctor held a pregnancy kit in her hands, however she doesn’t open
it. She doesn’t need to. She
already knows the answer so there’s no need to ask the question. She loves
Yin with both her hearts. And when she’s ready to have kids with him she’ll
know without needing to take another stupid test. She threw it in the bin, before
taking her contraceptive pills out of her purse. She popped a pill into her mouth
and swallowed it down with a glass of water. She wasn’t ready for kids
just yet but today she was moving back into the bedroom she shared with the man she loved.
Only one thing left to do now, she took out her make up and fixed her lipstick; after all she still had to look pretty
even if it was only for herself.