So here I was inside this TARDIS. It was really
freaky. It was totally bigger on the inside than the outside, the Doctor tried
to explain it but I preferred to think of it as magic. Magic is something you
can relate to, it’s something that takes me all the way back to my childhood.
You know what I mean? Like when I believed in pixies and faeries and Mum
bought me a fairy princess costume for my fifth birthday party and I thought that the magic wand really granted wishes. Why is magic such an easier thing to believe in than science? Maybe it’s because magic doesn’t need a whole book to explain it? I don’t know really, I’m just guessing. I’m
really out of my depth here and clinging to magic helps me keep afloat. The Doctor’s
pretty nice. She’s not too weird or mental, even though she’s obviously
some sort of loony. She’s looks about eight or ten years older than me,
but claims to be over two thousand years old! She sure looks good if that’s
the case. Also she keeps mentioning something about only having had her body
for a couple of weeks. Maybe she’s just had surgery? I must ask her sometime what she meant. The ship kind of looks
like a cross between an art museum and an Edwardian parlour. At least that’s
what the Doctor said she designed it to look like. The corridors that seem to
go on forever are in a huge arched Roman design, all white marble and sandstone. These
columns probably have some sort of fancy name; the Doctor always has a name for everything when I ask here about stuff and
things. Smooth floor too, I must remember not to totter down these in my heels
if I’ve had a couple of drinks, knowing my luck I’ll slip and hurt something, probably my dignity.
We enter rooms at random, I think she’s showing off to try and impress me. There’s a whole room full of broken teapots and in another one there’s something called a cricket
pavilion. The Doctor tells me that she’s a huge admirer of a team called
the Aussies, whoever they are. Words to seem to have more than one meaning when she speaks, it’s like one vocabulary
isn’t enough for her to express herself with. We quickly visit a room that
a field of cows inside of it. The Doctor called it a garden, a garden! Gardens are for growing flowers and sunbathing in, in the summer.
We quickly shut the door and walked for about an hour before coming across what appeared to be a huge cafeteria. I was given a mug of coffee and we sat down to discuss me.
“I’m really sorry about your world. Did
you have anyone special, someone you were close to?”
What kind of question was this? I had hundreds
of friends; we talked all the time, not like this, all forced and artificial. “Yes.” I spoke to her but how do you tell the murderer of a world that she’s killed
everyone you’ve ever known? Except it wasn’t like that, not really. But there was no one else to blame, only the woman who’d saved her life, twice
in one day. “They’re all dead.”
“What about a boyfriend? Were you dating
Drake, not seriously. We broke up as often as
they got back together again. He didn’t want things to get serious but
he didn’t want to slow things down either. He was infuriating, insensitive,
a complete jerk and he was mine, as much as he’d given himself to me anyway, which wasn’t that much. He’d been crap in bed, really terrible, but he was great at the other stuff, always there when I
was upset and needed a hug. “There was someone, but we weren’t serious.” Not serious, that summed him up, two little words.
Was he all that I’d ever have? I’d sort of hoped to do better,
once I’d gone off to college, seen something of the capital city. Maybe
meet someone there; things could have gotten serious, now I’d never know, because it was never going to happen.
“You never discussed children then?”
Children? I’d wanted a boy and a girl since
she’d been five. I’d had names picked out for them since I was seven. Marcus for the boy and Natalie for the girl.
I’d raised the idea with Drake once and I hadn’t seen him again for three months. Why were guys like that? They never wanted to plan for the
future, take responsibility for their lives. They just wanted to live in the
here and now without a care in the world. “We decided to wait a while.” Knowing Drake it’d have been another five years before he’d even be ready
to stop using birth controls when we were in bed. Now I’d never sleep with
him again, suddenly right now I wanted him to hold me in his arms, I don’t know why, maybe I was feeling vulnerable?
“I have no one either.”
Great, she’s trying to identify with me. Why
is it that people always look for themselves in other people? If were meant to
be the same then we’d all look the same, think the same and act the same. I
don’t go around destroying planets, I’m nothing like her, I really, really hope!
I like people, I love making new friends, so why did I want to throw my drink in her face? I don’t know, I’m just so full of conflicting emotions.
I don’t know what I want for myself anymore. I have nothing left,
no direction, no reason, nothing to relate to. I’m like a feather floating
on the surface of a pond, just going with the air currents at random, without purpose.
When will someone tell me what to do? Why am I stuck here with this maniac? “What happened? Did you blow up
his planet too?”
“Yes, sort of.”
Tears, I hadn’t expected that. She’d
killed her special someone too? What kind of monster was I talking to? I didn’t know what else to say. I’m
sorry. I sympathise. Let me share
your pain. All worthless sentiments. A
part of me is secretly glad she’s suffering like this. Then I berate myself,
she’s a woman in pain, I can empathise with her all too well. God how I
hate myself for being so vulnerable. “What happened?” We chatted for hours after that, the ice broken by our mutual suffering, our shared secret pains we hide
from the world. Tomorrow would be a new day but for tonight we simply shared
the worst parts of ourselves.